...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
whose parrot is this?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
