I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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