So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
