I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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