Four minutes until I can fart!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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