I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
