I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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