I think scott just propositioned me for sex
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
