So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
