Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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