Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize