i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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