Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
