I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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