I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
