Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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