youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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