She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
