That's intense
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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