before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
