Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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