Your face is a jimmy john
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
