I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
