I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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