i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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