Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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