I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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