somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
