Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Four minutes until I can fart!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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