I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
