Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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