I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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