I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
