She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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