No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize