Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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