Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize