I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
