oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
