I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I could fuck to npr.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
