I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
