when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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