wrigley field is MILF paradise
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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