Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
