physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
We got so high we made milksteak
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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