Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
