what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
