Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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