just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Why is your signature on my underwear?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize