I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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