I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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