I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
