My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
