I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
