I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
