i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
