We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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