Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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