my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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