In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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