I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I want to have your abortion
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
